It’s been a year now since I lost my daddy. If you had asked me right after he passed away how I was doing, I would have replied that I was pretty miserable, because even though I had ample time to prepare myself for his passing, it’s never like you expect it to be. Over the past year I have grown and changed and learned many things about grief, and some of the things I have learned have been quite surprising to me.
It’s Never Enough
My dad lived with Myelodysplastic Syndrome for five years before he passed away. We packed a lot of great memories and moments together into those five years, but it will always seem like we didn’t have enough time. This is normal. When I find myself feeling cheated of having him still here, I have to remind myself that we got more time with him than we probably should have and be thankful for the fact that just until a month before he passed away that he was able to do everything he wanted to do on a daily basis despite his illness.
You Can’t Live With Regret
If I allowed myself to, I could sit and replay every moment with my dad from the time I could first remember as a child until he took his last breath and be sorry for some of the things I did and said over the years. I could feel guilty for not spending even more time with him than I did and turn over and over in my mind all of the things I should have said and done, but didn’t. I think it’s just natural when we lose someone that we will always wish we would have done a few things differently. However, if I allowed myself the luxury of doing this, I would certainly spiral into a depression that I’m not sure I could find my way out of. I have to keep reminding myself when I start to think like this that my daddy knew I loved him, I know he loved me, and again, be thankful for the forty years he was in my life. My personal belief helps this part of the grief process for me in that I know I will see him again someday, and this is simply a pause in the bigger scheme of things. I just have to make the choice every single day to remember the good and be thankful.
Holidays Are Hard- The Anticipation is Worse
Those first holidays without a loved one will be tough. There’s just no getting around that fact. However, what I have noticed over the past year is that the anticipation of those upcoming holidays and the anniversary of my daddy’s death have been more difficult for me than the actual day itself. Father’s Day was my first taste of this last year, and for the past few weeks, I have been under a heavy cloud of sadness knowing that the anniversary of his death was approaching. However, as those days came around, I found myself remembering him with a smile instead of tears like I thought I would. I had already cried and felt the deep sadness before the actual day, so when the day came I just felt a sense of peace even though I miss him. I’m sure this may be different for everyone, but it was one of the most surprising things I have learned about myself and how I deal with grief.
Frustration Will Set In
For the first few weeks after my daddy passed away, it frustrated me that he wasn’t there anymore. My daddy just knew how to take care of things, and I really miss his advice and wisdom. We loved talking politics and it’s frustrating that he’s not here to see the three-ring circus going on this presidential year. He always had a knack for hanging pictures, changing a light bulb I couldn’t reach, or just telling me that I was making a bad decision. I miss those little, mundane moments more than I even thought I would. There are times I find myself very frustrated that he isn’t here for me to call on when I need him. There are just some things that I relied on him for and not being able to see him and talk to him is tough. This is a part of grief that I’m not sure gets any easier.
You Have To Keep Going
In all honesty, all I wanted to do after my daddy died and the funeral was over was just to crawl in my bed and not come out. Was that an option for me? Absolutely not. I’m so thankful for my son and husband and mom who still need me. I also know deep down that my daddy would have been very disappointed if I had just completely shut down after he passed away. He was a hard worker and so the following Monday after he passed away I got out of bed that morning and went to work. Was I still extremely sad and fragile? Of course. But I knew how proud he was of me and the job I did, so I decided to go in and get back to that normal part of my daily routine. I’m sure I looked scary without my mascara on, but I knew I would be due for a good cry after work, so I didn’t bother putting it on. I actually went mascara-free for over a month just because I had to have my little cry every single day for a few weeks after he died. Choosing to go forward is tough. It’s difficult and hard and it may take some longer to do than others, but I knew that somebody needed me, and my family depending on me is what helped me to push onward.
What has been so tough to wrap my head around when it comes to grief is that everything is different now. Everything. I look at the world differently, I look at people differently, and deep down I am changed. I realize that my dad’s presence provided a very secure feeling for me, just as a father should, and some days it hurts so much to know that everything will never be the same. He isn’t here to see my son grow up, he will always be missed, and although we’ve learned to keep going without him, there isn’t a day that goes by that he isn’t thought of. I’ve learned that grief is messy and hard and not the same for everyone, and some days are just tougher than others. I’ve also learned there is no set date when everything will suddenly all feel magically better. This is tough, too, because you keep thinking that at some point at least some of these feelings will go away eventually. They may not sting as much as the years pass by, but the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that grief really never goes away.
Photo Credit: @gtranquillity/Dollar Photo Club
Thank you for sharing this. I lost my dad, my buddy, my wise old funny man on July 3rd 2024. The sadness and pain I feel are so deep. I miss him and want to feel better but I can’t. There were so many more brunches, deep convos, movies and places we were still supposed to travel to. So much he was still supposed to see — my baby being adopted, me getting married. I love him and just want things to go back to the way they were a month ago when he was still alive. 💔
I am so sorry about your dad. Your pain is still so fresh, so it’s going to feel so big for a while. I, too, often think about how much my daddy has missed out on, but I like to imagine him being able to see little glimpses of things down here. Be gentle with yourself. Feel all the feels. It’s totally normal. I will keep you in my prayers.
Thank you for this. My 82 year old dad died suddenly on December 29, 2023. We spoke on the phone every night. I was Daddy’s girl. We spoke at 9 pm that evening and at 10:20 pm my sister called to say he had died. I miss him so very much and am struggling.
However, he and I are born again Christians and I know we will be reunited in heaven.
Oh Lisa, I am so sorry about your dad. It’s such a tough thing to go through. I am so glad you and he are Christians and I hope you will cling to your faith to get you through those tough days. Sending prayers for you!
I just lost my very dear friend Donna last week, we’ve been friends for about 22 years. Her and her husband helped me through a difficult time and then I helped her when her husband developed Alzheimer’s. This was a complete shock to me and unexpected. I keep wishing I could talk to her one more time, I feel horrible about myself for not calling more. I’m just going through a lot of grief. I’ve been reading other’s comments and they are helping. Thank you…
I’m glad you stopped in, Dena. I pray that time will ease your grief. I know it must be so hard to lose such a long-time friend.
Thank you for sharing this, I recently lost my father in the Arkabutla Mississippi Mass Shooting 2/17/23 and I am struggling pretty bad, I have always been the kind of girl that holds it together for the rest of the family and I think I done good at the funeral but now anger has set in and one day I am sad the next I am mad and sad the next I am confused and sad.
Living across the way and being able to see my dad every single day is certainly making it harder to accept the fact that he is no longer here for me to kiss his face or have our talks over a fire under the stars, or for him to meet his great grandchild, or play with the ones that are here left behind only to wonder why Popee can’t play anymore and question as to where he is.
You see my dad had one foot in deaths door already, he had been ill for a few year, but had lived a fun filled life surrounded by people that loved him and so I was trying to prepare myself for the day and knew that no such preparation was really going to make it easier but I knew the day was coming, I just had no idea a crazed lunatic would shoot him and three other people I love plus two I didn’t know because he couldn’t get his way !
So now left with so many feelings that I have no idea where to put makes me and everyday I breath sad, mad and confused !
I hope to gain knowledge by reading others experiences and hope I can find my way through all of this to come (the aftermath), and find some peace, the memories that I have shared with my daddy are so dear to me and I do have so much to be thankful for , but I’m so pissed that I was cheated out of the ones that were to come ! Thank you for sharing your story and for giving me a little courage to speak up and let a little out .
Have a beautiful blessed life
Sincerely, Bridgett Manuel
Bridgett, I am so sorry for what you have been through. I heard about that and just couldn’t wrap my head around it all. I pray that someday you can remember all the good times with your father with fondness and not sadness. It’s been almost eight years since I wrote this post, and I still miss my daddy, but I love when a new memory of him pops up in my mind. You’ve certainly been through something very traumatic, and I hope you will reach out for extra help if you need it. I know it’s a lot to process. I will keep you and your family in my prayers, and I appreciate you stopping in to read and comment. Take care.
I am so thankful to read letters by others who have lost. 2years and 7months after loosing my mom I know these feelings I delt w and continue to are completely normal. What a comfort this is to know. Your letter really hit home. A wise women, told me “no regrets, eryn” And I have none! Please do not allow your loved ones to die while there are questions unanswered, forgiveness to be gave and love yet to be had! Be patient with yourself, even if this is the one and only time you are patient with yourself….this is the time! I also must say that there isn’t a time frame for grief. My healing time is going to differ from yours and yours from your neighbors, etc. Do not compare..do not say “SHOULD HAVE” By all means be sensitive to your needs. Days will differ. Moments will. Take your moment or 5 whatever you need. Then pick yourself up, clean yourself up and carry on!!
All my love…
Till we meet again!
Hi… I’m jayne .
I lost my boy age 29 September 1st 2020.
I feel so broken inside , so indescribably sad that somedays I don’t know how I stick it . I miss him to the very core of my being , he was so funny , and so kind , the world is worse off for the loss of him.
I’m starting to forget how he looked , how he laughed and just his voice in general, and it scares me to think he will eventually leave my memory altogether.
I feel pain for everyone’s grief , but somehow when it’s a parent , whilst sad , it’s the natural order of things .
Losing a child , a piece of your heart and soul is just gut wrenchingly sore. It’s been six months. Some days are good , and just when I think I’m turning a corner, a tsunami of tears will hit me again .
I don’t think I’ll ever be the same . That happy go lucky lady has gone . My funny gene has left me . All I can hope for is that I see him again , and in the meantime that he is at peace. Xxx
I lost my mom 12/20/13 and had 3 years alone with my dad until he passed on 1/10/17. Even though I had been through grief over my mom, this seems different. Its like I’m grieving for both of them at the same time. I didn’t have time to grieve for my mom because I had to take care of dad.
I absolutely hate this. I want to feel better but I can’t. You’re absolutely right when you said everything is different. Nothing changed, and yet everything changed.
Suzanne, I am so sorry about your dad. Losing parents is one of the very hardest things in life. I will keep you in my prayers and hope you can find some comfort in memories of the good times. Thank you for stopping in and I’m praying for mercy for this hard journey you are on.
Thank you for sharing your story and experience with grief. I came across this and so many of your feelings and thoughts parallel everything I’ve felt this past year. I lost my dad January 2020, just a few days before my 32nd birthday. Similar to your dad, my dad also was able to do most everything he enjoyed until the last month before he passed. I didn’t live with my dad, but we exchanged texts most days, and often multiple times throughout the day. I didn’t realize how much this meant to me until he wasn’t here to get my texts. I was in grad school at the time and it was definitely a struggle going back to my normal routine, but I also knew it is what my dad would want. Two months later the COVID-19 pandemic hit the US and it’s definitely made the first year without my dad (especially the holidays!) hard. It helps to know others have dealt with similar feelings.
Joanna, you have certainly been through it. I am so sorry to hear about your dad. It’s a tough loss. It’s been almost 6 years now and I still miss my dad like crazy. He loved politics and I can just imagine what he would be thinking after this year’s election! Ha! Sending good thoughts your way as you carry on in your grieving process. Remembering the good times helps so much.
Everything you said is real about this “grief” thing. I lost my husband suddenly, Feb 2016, and yes–I think differently about what I say to people, or what they say to me. I can no longer say “there’s always tomorrow”, because I know there is no guarantee of that. People think that “grief” ends or you should be over it by now — it doesn’t work that way. I walk into our home & want to say “You’ll never guess what happened today” but he isn’t there to talk to. That is the hardest part for me–not being able to talk to him–in person. But I have him in my heart . . .
It certainly doesn’t end and that was a tough thing for me to realize. I’ve also been surprised by how much I will miss my dad at the oddest times….not even holidays or special days, it just randomly comes around. I am so sorry about your husband and I hope his memories bring you some comfort.
I am so glad I came across this. I lost my father 11 days ago. It has been hard to sleep.
Fortunately, I have a wonderful husband and 2 wonderful children. I am so greatful that my Dad got to meet my husband and children. My Mom is still with us she is finding it difficult. I am trying my best to provide her with emotional support and comfort. I am trying to remember the good times and remember that I did the best I could in providing support for him. My Dad was also a hard worker like yours and I am going back to work this week. One thing I learnt from my Father was strength. I feel that I have the strength to do my job and the strength to make it day by day.
I am sorry to hear you are going through this difficult journey, Renata. I’m glad you have a good support system in your family. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to get through this alone. Just be sure to take care of yourself as well. I got so wrapped up in trying to take care of everyone else and put up such a strong, tough front that I don’t think I gave myself enough grace and patience. Saying a prayer for you and your family. Thank you so much for stopping in and sharing with me.
Thank you for sharing this. You have captured the essence of grief… at least for me. My mom has been gone 30 years this year, and it seems like yesterday. And yes, I still miss her. My dad… lost him suddenly 15 years ago, and it seems like yesterday. I still wait for the phone to ring on Sunday evenings around 7:30… My baby brother (well, he would be 52 now, but…), lost him 13 years ago, and it seems like yesterday. Then there are the other relatives and in-laws who are passing away, just as a function of aging…
It doesn’t matter who, or when, or why, grief is an exquisitely painful process. Some days are fine and I can think about these folks with a smile, and there are fewer days now that I’m still a train-wreck. It is an individual process. Time does blunt the sharp edges somewhat, but it never goes away. And you are never the same afterwards. Take your time, Take care of yourself and remember the good things.
God bless you in your journey.
Thank you for stopping in, Jan. You have certainly known a lot of heartache in your life. You are exactly right about grief being a process. Some days are just better than others. Praying for your comfort.
I stumbled upon this post and want to say ‘Thank you.’ I lost my father unexpectedly this summer and being he was my best friend your words really rang true to my feelings. It actually made me laugh at the part about having a knack for hanging pictures, changing a light bulb I couldn’t reach, it reminded me so much of my father. I lived 5 hours away from my parents and would call my father daily. One afternoon after, I will admit it a few drinks, I came home to I swear the spider Stephen King wrote arachnophobia about, and called my dad. He came down the next morning and cleared out the space where the web was. Seems like we both had amazing fathers. But I just wanted to let you know your post meant a lot to me having just started this journey without my dad.
Thank you for stopping in, Jennifer. I am so sorry to hear about your father. Sounds like your dad was your hero, just like mine was to me. It’s definitely been a journey since he passed away. Some days are much better than others. Grief is such a strange journey. Just be kind to yourself and know that your feelings are perfectly normal and that it’s ok to have “those” kinds of days every now and then. Take care. Praying for you.
Thanks for sharing I lost my dad on March 22,this year and yes everyday is still a challenge and yes there are tears everyday, I can relate to every thing you posted.
Chin up and blessings of peace
I am sorry for your loss. I know how much it hurts. I pray you can hold on to the wonderful memories. They are what get me through on the really tough days. It does eventually get a little easier, but it doesn’t feel like it will when it’s so fresh. Praying for peace and comfort for you.
Thank you Mandy for this post! I recently lost my mother unexpectedly 2 weeks ago, and honestly I am just searching for anything to give me an ounce of peace. This was helpful and good to know the thoughts I’ve had I have not been alone.
Rachel, I am so sorry for your loss. I was the same when I lost my dad…just wanted something that would help ease the grief a little bit. It’s just a process. I pray you are comforted by the great memories you share with your mom. Take care! I will be praying for you.