I Let Facebook Ruin Mother’s Day for Me

Not on Facebook?  Surely, you are kidding, right?

It took me a few years to understand, but I can totally see now why someone wouldn’t want to have a Facebook account.  This epiphany came to me the week of Mother’s Day.  I was feeling a little moody, the end of the school year was reaching that breaking point where the kids are just stir crazy, and any patience I had was just about zilch.  Nada.  N-o-t-h-i-n-g.  Facebook was probably the last place I needed to be while in such a funky mood, but there I found myself becoming gradually annoyed with every little thing.

As Mother’s Day approached, my husband asked me what I wanted for that special day.  Last year he really outdid himself with a new writing desk (which he lovingly put together after hauling the heavy box of parts upstairs) and a gorgeous wind chime that we still haven’t hung.  Because of my heart surgery, I’m focusing on paying off my hospital bills with any extra money we have, so I promptly told my husband I didn’t need or want a thing this year.  Isn’t that what all selfless mothers say?  Isn’t that supposed to be the way I felt, down deep in my heart…just thankful to be a mother at all?  Besides, I knew he would sing my praises publicly on Facebook and it would make me feel good and he’d probably also get me something even though I said not to.

So how did it go when Mother’s Day finally rolled around?  I woke up to him telling me Happy Mother’s Day and handing me two cards, one from him and the other from my son.  He made sure I had a good breakfast and when my son finally rolled out of bed I got a half-hearted, sleepy “Happy Mother’s Day” before he crashed again on the couch.

And that was it.

Throughout the day I watched on Facebook as all the Mother’s Day wishes and posts rolled through my feed.  One friend’s husband sang her praises as if she was an angel on earth.  Another kid told his mom she was his whole world.  OK, so maybe that was a little exaggeration, but on and on and on it went.  All. Day. Long.  I saw pictures of new jewelry, families out to celebrate mom with nice brunches, and perfectly dressed perfect little freaking perfect families perfectly attending their perfect church services.  My husband had already left for work, but I just knew he would make it Facebook official that I was a great mom and wife before the day ended.  It was the least he could do, right?

At 11 PM I found myself in bed, crying and super mad at my husband.  My Mother’s Day had essentially sucked.  He had left for work and my son is a typical twelve year old with his head stuck in video games.  My own mom had been busy with church things that day (we had celebrated with her the day before) and so Mother’s Day was just a little lonely this year.  I felt like a horrible mother (whyyyyyy???) who didn’t deserve anything anyway because I was so petty.  My husband texted me and I sent back a cryptic message, laden with sarcasm about how special I felt and thanking him for making the day so great.  I cursed that stupid holiday.  I cried some more and then fell asleep.

The next day and for a couple of days after I felt so emotionally (and socially) drained.  It dawned on me that Facebook was making my life so noisy and miserable.  My husband had apologized profusely and I was left feeling horrible and shallow.  Who in their right mind lets Facebook determine their worth?  Or gets mad that their husband doesn’t write sweet sentiments about them for all the world to read?  Only insecure, emotionally needy people, right?

Hello, emotionally needy and insecure self.  Nice to meet you.

I had become what I never wanted to be online.  Here I was, blessed to be a mother at all (after YEARS of infertility and failed treatments).  Some women never get to be mothers.  Some women miss their own mothers terribly on this day, and here I was mad because I wasn’t showered with presents and public displays of admiration on social media.

I oficially sucked.

I don’t know how sinking to this new low happened in my life.  I had to step back and see how much I was caught up in social media and what purpose it was serving me.  I have over 700 friends on Facebook.  I maybe speak with a handful on any given day.  I only claim a couple of good friends and family members.  The rest?  I had collected them over the years of my life.  Childhood friends.  Classmates.  College buddies.  Former co-workers.  Best friends that moved away when we were ten years old.  Did I ever meet you somewhere along the way in my life?  I remembered you and we are friends on Facebook. Would you like to find out who your REAL friends are?  Go through a death or a major illness.  People will send their prayers and wishes along on your wall, but how many will show up to your house and actually be with you when the going gets tough? Not many, I can promise you from personal experience.

And so that week I went through my feed and unfollowed the people who brought nothing positive to my Facebook feed.  The girl that always posts a selfie everyday for attention, the individual who posts pictures of hurt animals and children to raise awareness (it just saddens me), the “perfect mom” who is beautiful and has her crap together in every area of her life, the individuals that won’t stop posting about what they sell (I ain’t buying!), the weekend warriors that live a better life than you do as they travel and seek adventure every single weekend.  The people who post cryptic lyrics as their posts, the wannabe chefs that share every single thing they eat, the political nutjobs, the holier-than-thous, the social justice warriors, the made-up holidays I am supposed to celebrate now (Only Children’s Day?!) and every other individual who I just can’t quit because what if I need to get in touch with them about something important someday?

I tried leaving Facebook cold turkey for one whole day and felt instantly disconnected.  Like it or not, this is how our culture communicates now.  This is how we receive our news and information.  I also have a blog page to maintain and it hides my blog’s social media presence when I pause my Facebook account.  I tried to quit, but found that unfollowing the people, pages, and things that didn’t bring me joy was a better way.  And you know what?  My feed is boring.  Sometimes a whole thirty minutes goes by before I see something new in my feed, and I’m ok with that.  Feel like you might need a little help with your own social media addictions?  There’s a book for that!  Unfollowing people let me choose to stop seeing them but not hurt their feelings (if it even would) by de-friending them.

Now that I’ve somewhat cleared my head and mind of all the noise I am deeply ashamed of the way I reacted to Mother’s Day this year.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I still can’t believe I let myself get so caught up in all of the social media hoopla and let it ruin an otherwise perfectly good day becaue I was seeing what I thought I was supposed to have and get on this day because Facebook said so.  Years ago before Facebook, when I wasn’t working and we were barely affording to pay our bills, on Mother’s Day my husband would hand me a card and tell me what a great mother I was and I believed him and it was enough.  That’s exactly how I want to feel about the day again from now on.  I don’t ever want to feel like I need public validation for our private feelings about one another.

More importantly, I don’t want to feel I need validation from social media in any form at all.